


An Unexpected Army Doctor

by NarglesOnHerTongue



Series: Every Hobbit has a Story... [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Sherlock (TV), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: 5+1 Things, Bilbo Baggins is John Watson, F/M, Hobbits are Heroes, Nac Mac Feegle Theology, Reincarnation, Shire is Purgatory, sort of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-04-24 20:23:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4934047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NarglesOnHerTongue/pseuds/NarglesOnHerTongue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo Baggins has not forgotten London, has not forgotten pain, and will never forget Sherlock but he will recover.</p><p>"You see the Battlefield"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1 Baggins Reaction from the movie and 5 Times Gandalf's Sceme Fails to Impress Captain Watson

**Author's Note:**

> One time John/Bilbo cared what people thought of him and 5 times he had exactly zero F***s to give.

1: When He Cared:

Bilbo snorted in the direction of Gandalf's retreating figure. The wizard would be back and if he knew his Tolkien (Which he did) the wizard would bring thirteen dwarves.

He had until dinner tonight or tea the next day (Counting in his luck it would be dinner tonight) to re-learn how to be as stuffy and stand-off-go-away as a Baggins could be and hope the wizard didn't say anything that provoked him into doing something stupid.

"Pull yourself together, it would be like going on a case with Mycroft, this is why Baggin's don't go on adventures." He reminded himself even as he tallied his grocery list, he'd need to feed the dwarrow anyhow and it wouldn't do to show them a bad host, he was a Baggins, he had to be. "We make our own adventures or we don't get involved."

Bilbo looked solidly at his hobbit-mother's portrait. "Why oh why did Gandalf and Elrond and all have to remind you of old friends? I doubt they even know they're replacements."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

2: Mutterings of Dissension

Bilbo stared. Dwarves seemed to be larger in person. Odd.

Dwalin was beginning to get uncomfortable. The soft little creature of comfort should have been shaking in it's nonexistent shoes with Dwalin glaring at him like that. but the strange little being had been quite polite, even kind, showing him food, and letting him eat. Balin's presence had been treated the same way. The halfling had not so much as blinked when they had greeted each other by smacking their heads together. He could have sworn he heard the soft thing mutter something about 'always hearing' and 'usually subtext' whatever that was.

Balin was hiding his confusion as best he could. The soft creature had let them into his home and promptly taken control of the situation, brushing off Dwalin's glare like nothing, leading them to the table and the food was excellent, he did have to wonder about the creature though some things...and the way he muttered about "lock bad about heliocentric systems goodness."

Fili and Kili like this Mr. Baggins. For all he was a fussy creature and about the oddest things. Apparently he was perfectly accepting of having inordinate amounts of weapons piled in his arms but Valar forbid you touch the decorations...oh that's why. "Master Boggins is that a skull?" Fili tried to sound less shocked than he was and didn't think he quite succeeded. The reply was even worse than the vision. "An old friend, well, when I say friend..." The smile on Mr. Baggin's face was more alarming than the one on the skull, which the hobbit took down, brushed off, and replaced behind the strange metal hooked object it had rested behind. Kili barely cought the tail end of Mr. Baggins words; "Always saying and doing the funniest things..."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

3: Actions speak Louder

Nori was caught, subtle the catching but still. The Hobbit had gently deflected his pick-pocketing attempts five times now and Nori had just realized that the spoons he had scooped from the table were back in the drawer and a note of admonishment in his coat instead...if this was the hobbit off his guard Nori couldn't wait to see him on the road.

Dori felt inadequate for the first time in his life. The tea the Hobbit had decried as 'not as good as he would prefer' was tear-jerkingly wonderful and he could tell, habit from the halfling's behavior.

Ori was in bliss, the Halfling had caught him in the study and rather than turn him away as had happened often before had taken Ori's hands and looked, traced ink stains with his fingers, smiled and simply warned him that some of the artworks had colors from poisonous berries and to wash anywhere it touched thoroughly after reading.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

4: I'm F.I.N.E.

Bofur had started the song That's what Bilbo Baggins Hates in order to loosen up the Halfling and get him to laugh. He had then apologized when he saw the look on the Halfling's face, he had not heard the song, had frozen up because of a bowl flying too close to his face, had aborted a movement to strike when Bofur had tapped his shoulder before seeming to wake from a bad dream.

Bifur knew the signs of warrier's fatigue and had stood to guard Bilbo Baggins subtly from the others. They didn't notice but Bilbo did. He was able to guess exactly what Bifur's disability was and knew to ask if he understood Westron before explaining quietly that in hobbiton there were hobbits born with warrior's fatigue, random intolerances, and injuries that only exist in the mind. Bifur was horrified and agreed to disseminate the information among the dwarves in a way they understood.

Bombur was shocked at the list of behaviors prohibited in Hobbiton as translated by Bifur. The reasoning was sound, but the idea of creatures born with warrior's fatigue was horrifying.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

5: Look Whose Mastered the Sass Sassmaster

Bilbo stared Gandalf in the face. "First of all, as not even a family friend but a distant occasional friend of my mother's you have no right at all to speak to me as if you know me. Second, even my Took relatives would have had you out of hobbiton on a rail for a stunt like this. Third I'm a Baggins of Bag-End and we don't go on adventures. Fourth, you are basing all your faith in my activities chosen as a child, the same activities all the children of hobbiton do. Fifth..." Bilbo makes an odd gesture at Gandalf involving just his middle fingers pointed straight up, "That, and I'm starting to think wizards are just bullies with drug habits in inconvenient robes, do you seriously see all of middle earth as your life-sized doll house or am I missing something because every word from your mouth is convincing me that your tendency towards being cryptic is just a security blanket for when you feel upset like a child keeping secrets."

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. 1 "Good Morning" Without Consequences and 5 Times Hobbits Decide to Troll the Dwarves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When your neighbors are ex-heroes and gods...Subtle is not a thing. Also, the Dwarves choke on pop music.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I replied to one of my reviewers but was somehow missed by the next one...
> 
> SHERLOCK WILL NOT MAKE AN APPEARANCE!
> 
> This will be the first of probably several times I have to say this...Only the hobbits are reincarnated beings (save Durin the Deathless but he's a different story). It's tempting to make Smaug be Sherlock but first, as you said it defeats the purpose, and second is that the dragons (by the time Smaug is running around) belong to the darkness and there is no way the various gods/godesses/endless/incarnates of death would let a soul in their hands wind up in the hands of something like Melkor/Morgoth no matter how irritating Sherlock is. I also can't see him willingly attacking a city or really doing anything Smaug does save for the riddle-introduction and he'd have rattled off a series of deductions instead of relying on someone else to introduce themselves.
> 
> I'm of the opinion that Sherlock was already 'healed' in the manner of the Shire by John before they died together moving on immediately while John still had that adrenaline addiction and rather than going to the Shire to heal as he was already capable of understanding peace, it was a sort of reward, knowing that Gandalf would need a Hobbit and not wanting to put a healing soul in that position the Deaths are giving John/Bilbo one last hurrah instead.
> 
>  
> 
> Also I'll be using pre-hobbit names for the neighbors because I want to give an Idea as to the why's of their behavior.

-1

"Good Morning," Bilbo smiled at the hobbit who had greeted him and the dwarves before Gandalf could pull his tricks and then let Thorin hurry them along. Medusa was tetchy about the stupid 'wise' more than most. she still couldn't even look at snakes, very glad for the opportunity to be as petty about it as she wished. The conversation clearly ended when she saw a garden snake, shreiked at a volume that had the Dwarves reeling and bolted indoors.

 

The Dwarves, Gandalf, and Bilbo looked at her husband who had ignored her scream and was even then humming to himself and gardening

 

+1

Cale'Anon looked up from his garden, the only thing he did for himself. Ironically the only thing he did that didn't ruin other peoples lives by accident. "Hi Bilbo!" he chirped. "Something happening?"

"A quest apparently." Bilbo smiled at him.

"My condolences." The long-blonde said sadly, "Not like I have anything useful to say, you've heard my opinion of the things before."

"Avoid or befriend warlocks named Richard, kill every rabbit you can, and if everything goes wrong light things on fire until it stops being funny?"

"Exactly, hope to see you back in one relatively complete piece." Cale then proceeded to grab the rabbit he was stalking under the fence and stab it viciously with the garden trowel. "I'd  mention my favorite way to get bloodstains out of clothing but yours works better. Bye!"

 

The Dwarves  exchanged horrified looks over the blood-spattered hobbit before Thorin finally managed to get Gandalf to stop choking on his pipe.

Hopefully that hobbit was just odd?

 

+2

Max tilted his head to the sky to catch the drops that fell through the leaves. He watched dully as a Wizard led thirteen Dwarves and a fellow Hobbit through the leaves scowled at the Dwarf who asked for the rain to stop.

"I'm only joking/ you can't believe a thing I said/ what're you smoking?/ I'm just a f***ing with your head..."he sang to himself as the group passed. He wasn't one for people now and the rain was so nice after so long dry, cracked, and bleeding...

 

Ori wondered vaguely if there was someone in the woods because he could swear they were being watched. And sometimes he thought he heard singing...

 

+3

 

The Void was a shire and Sithis loved poker. S'afra's brain felt numb even years later. As the rowdy bar called for another singer she noticed a group of dwarves with a wizard and a hobbit. A Hobbit who looked exhausted as he signaled for a distraction, and she was the only one who saw. Ah well, They were calling for a singer...

 As she hopped on the table she thought how wonderful it was to  be acceptable to the public and not called 'rug' anymore when she was seen. She still missed her tail though. At least she still had her Voice.

"This one would have you listen!" She called for the room to hear. Thank goodness Parthuunax had taught her this song or she'd be singing 'Ragnar the Red'...

"Dovahkiin, Dovahkiin, naal ok zin los vahriin,

Wah dein vokul mahfaeraak ahst vaal!  
Ahrk fin norok paal graan fod nust hon zindro zaan,  
Dovahkiin, fah hin kogaan mu draal!  
  
Huzrah nu, kul do od, wah aan bok lingrah vod,  
Ahrk fin tey, boziik fun, do fin gein!  
Wo lost fron wah ney dov, ahrk fin reyliik do jul,  
Voth aan suleyk wah ronit faal krein  
  
Ahrk fin zul, rok drey kod, nau tol morokei frod,  
Rul lot Taazokaan motaad voth kein!  
Sahrot Thu'um, med aan tuz, vey zeim hokoron pah,  
Ol fin Dovahkiin komeyt ok rein!  
  
Dovahkiin, Dovahkiin, naal ok zin los vahriin,  
Wah dein vokul mahfaeraak ahst vaal!  
Ahrk fin norok paal graan fod nust hon zindro zaan,  
Dovahkiin, fah hin kogaan mu draal!  
  
Ahrk fin Kel lost prodah, do ved viing ko fin krah,   
Tol fod zeymah win kein meyz fundein!  
Alduin, feyn do jun, kruziik vokun staadnau,  
Voth aan bahlok wah diivon fin lein!  
  
Nuz aan sul, fent alok, fod fin vul dovah nok,  
Fen kos nahlot mahfaeraak ahrk ruz!  
Paaz Keizaal fen kos stin nol bein Alduin jot,  
Dovahkiin kos fin saviik do muz!  
  
Dovahkiin, Dovahkiin, naal ok zin los vahriin,  
Wah dein vokul mahfaeraak ahst vaal!  
Ahrk fin norok paal graan fod nust hon zindro zaan  
Dovahkiin, fah hin kogaan mu draal!"

 

Gandalf marveled at the first time he had heard a language he didn't understand that he could remember.

 

+4

 

As Fili and Kili wrapped up their speech on the dangers of Orc raids. Thorin opened his mouth to reprimand them only to be cut off by Mr. Baggins.

"Tame." The Hobbit even had the gall to yawn! "And it's not nice to try to frighten people with such things. It's dangerous enough in the wild without you making people jumpy. I've heard worse anyway."

"What have you heard that's worse?" Balin asked curious.

"Some hobbits call them CreepyPastas, Dunno why. No one knows if they're real and no one wants to know. Difficult enough to sleep at night without mentioning those things. My least favorite is the eight pages legend. You find yourself in the woods alone with one rapidly dwindling light and if you don't find all eight hidden warning pages stuck to trees and things by dawn or if you look straight at the slenderman  in black with no face who's chasing you the whole time they find you impaled on a tree branch the next morning."

 

Thorin didn't blame Fili, Kili, and Ori fainting. He barely stopped at swaying at the thought himself. He also found himself excessively grateful to be camped on a cliff and not in the woods any longer.

Then he remembered that they would have to cross Mirkwood. It was good for his reputation that he was in his bedroll trying to sleep when he fainted.

 

+5

 

The Dwarves watched in awe as the Hobbit bar responded to the Misty Mountain's Cold with a sad song of their own. They had thought all Hobbit songs were the kind you sang at bars and parties.

"Summer has come and passed/

The Innocent can never last

Wake me up/When September ends..."

 

Thorin was even more amazed by this song than he had been the one in the strange tongue that was similar to kuzkul. The Hobbits having a language of their own did not surprise him. What surprised him was the obvious emotion behind the lyrics of this song...Every Hobbit was fighting back tears at obvious memories. What could have happened to such a soft race to cause such sadness?

 

Like my fathers come to pass  
Seven years has gone so fast  
Wake me up/when September ends

 

Dwalin was holding back tears. This was not a party song. They had sung Misty Mountain's Cold to remind the Hobbits that not all races were without tragedy but they were responding with more sorrow than he had thought possible...

 

Here comes the rain again  
Falling from the stars  
Drenched in my pain again  
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests  
But never forgets what I lost  
Wake me up when September ends  
  
Summer has come and passed  
The innocent can never last  
Wake me up when September ends  
  
Ring out the bells again  
Like we did when spring began  
Wake me up when September ends

 

Balin was hiding tears and sniffling lightly. Fili and Kili were dead silent. Ori was crying silently. Not one eye was dry. The hobbits were wrapping up. None of the dwarves would ever believe the Hobbits had not seen Sorrow after this.

 

 

Like my father's come to pass  
Twenty years has gone so fast  
Wake me up when September ends  
Wake me up when September ends  
Wake me up when September ends

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was way sadder than I meant it to be...
> 
> Starring...  
> Medusa-Greek Mythology, unlike most misfortune cases her grudge against Athena and people like her would cause her to attack Gandalf rather than avoid him as is common for the most damaged hobbits.
> 
> Cale'Anon-Looking For Group Webcomic, A court Wizard that turned into a rabbit ruined his life, now he has a grudge against rabbits, he had a best friend named Richard who was a dangerous Warlock and who taught him that few things can't be solved with high level explosives or a nice fwoosh
> 
> Max-Mad Max: Fury Road Movie little to tell, spent too long in desert loves trees and water.
> 
> S'afra-My Dragonborn character from Skyrim, kajiit listener for Dark Brotherhood She's singing the Skyrim Theme


	3. Five Alternate Scenes and Our Favorite Bear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So every hobbit rewrite goes:
> 
> Gandalf->party->Trolls->Rivendell->Mountains/Goblins->Riddles->Azog->Mirkwood->Laketown->Smaug->battle->ENDING
> 
> I like Beorn, who isn't always in the rewrite, and frankly the troll thing is boring now I've seen so many. So if I try to write it it will come out like a summary in a textbook, Sorry.
> 
> I'm writing incidents that happen between the usual way-points, hopefully that helps.

**5**

Thorin would have liked to disparage the hobbit but the members of the company who had dined with him seemed to me some measure of impressed or frightened. He still didn't know what to make of Kili's muttering about "Strange Decorations." Clearly he'd missed something. It didn't really matter if the halfling couldn't defend himself, Ori was hardly the fighting ideal and just the ability to move when danger was around was fine. He just wondered how and more importantly IF Gandalf really had procured them a...*snort* Burgler who wasn't going to scam them.

That's when the halfling insisted it was lunchtime. Gandalf's giggles about the eating habits of the soft creatures (The strange one who killed a rabbit with a trowel notwithstanding) Thorin hadn't heard the halflings' conversation but he assumed it had to do with the gardens which were simply everywhere. Thorin told the soft thing off for expecting to stop. They weren't going to if they didn't have to. The Company was in a hurry.

The odd little being snorted and stood on the saddle.

Thorin was about to tell him off for greater foolishness when he _jumped_ straight into the trees above them. The dwarrow didn't stop but they watched in awe as the strange little being hopped through the trees over their heads and tossed each of them an apple before getting just ahead and dropping gently back into his saddle.

"Burgler..." Thorin started.

"No," the frustrating little halfling cut him off. "The apple trees are for travelers so people don't need to stop mid-woods. They stretch for miles outside the Shire and don't need paying for because they are communal property. It's good to eat while such things are available to shore up for when they are not so simply reached."

 

What in the?

**4**

 Oin counted his medicines and checked all the signs he could on their next stop to sleep. The halfling would stave off an unlucky number but so much could still go wrong.

“Know anywhere I can get more aethalas?” he asked the strange creature. They may need it to survive if something is cursed along the way.

“Which kind?” the…Mr. Baggins that was it…Mr. Baggins asked drily.

“There’s more than one?” Oin asked in trepidation. Since when was there more than one?

“Three, not including the same kinds plant-wise prepared in different ways.” He smiled.

“The kind used to stop curses and dark poisons.” They had more than one here. Of course they did they worked with green things…

“Here,” he reached into the bush and pulled out two sprigs, one with blue flowers and the other white. “White flowers is the general type you get everywhere, Blue has a mind clearing effect to go with the purifying one. There’s a really odd third type that only works on hobbits but you wouldn’t need that.”

“Know any new mixes or medicines?” He fumbled his ear horn to catch the answer.

Mr. Baggins did. “Ma said if you mix and pulp the white’s leaves with the blue’s leaves and add silver dust it makes a smell that cancels mind-influencing magics. Might need that for the gold, better safe than sorry.”

“Oh?”

“Dragons do magic too, and better safe than sorry.”

** 3 **

Fuck trolls, Fuck wizards, and Holy Mother of God everyone in the damn sparkly unicorn-fart of a building was rude as Fuck!!!

Ori wasn't given to cursing but when his sharing books with Mr. Baggins, (Bilbo, you silly dwarfling his name is Bilbo) led to exchanging given names and Sindarin lessons he also learned a few unexpected new vocabulary words in westron. He wasn't sure what a unicorn was but it sounded like something he should ask about later. Perhaps he'd ask after M...Bilbo finished expanding his vocabulary...

The biggest surprise was how filthy the Elves mouths were. He hadn't expected it. He was also given to appreciate Bilbo's corrections on racial slurs. He'd have to tell the rest that Halfling was an insult as awful as that thing the elves called dwarves. Bilbo had only said it once and then refused categorically to repeat it. Ori pointed out that it was just a descriptor and they'd been called worse things.

"The existence of worse does not excuse the use of bad. Their word for hobbit is near identical but not so insulting. It doesn't stop hobbits from retaliation when they hear it." 

**2**

"A racial slur?" Nori asked quietly.

"Yeah," Ori hummed. "I wasn't expecting that particular lesson."

"On the damage of grouping races together or about not holding others to the standards you can't or won't reach?"

"Mostly the cursing, I didn't know those words and I never would have suspected him to know them either."

"What words?" Dori turned over on the hard stone.

"I'll not repeat them kind of words." Ori sniffed. When the bloody mother hen went back to bed he finished the sentence quietly to Bilbo on his other side, "I'll not repeat them in front of Dori kind of words. Thank's Bilbo."

"You're Welcome."

**1**

Dwalin stared unimpressed at the scene in front of him. The hobbit had saved their leader and Thorin approved of the little oddity now so he supposed he'd have to learn the Hobbit's name now. Finding out that Halfling was an insult had been eye-opening for sure. It explained so much of his inconstant behavior over the trip it was staggering.

None of which mattered now as they waited for Gandalf to give up on trying to convince more of a ride out of their saving grace from earlier. Dwalin knew the birds were smart and was completely unsurprised at their reluctance to go near the great bloody dragon nor over the mess of a forest staring them in the face.

Literally staring them in the face, and they were days off. Particularly impressive for a thing without eyes.

He didn't appreciate the feeling being brought to his notice thank you Mr. Baggins.

**+1**

Bilbo wasn't expecting messing with the dwarves on their travels to be so much fun. 'What goes around comes around I suppose...' he mused to himself as the were-bear toted him around like a stuffed animal. The dwarves all looked vaguely constipated at the sight, or maybe jealous?

Of Beorn or of him though...?

Didn't matter, getting to help Oin and prove he knew what he was doing had been a blessing. The trip was totally worth it so far...even if it might end with him dying and winding up back in the Shire.


End file.
